October may be a lovely month, but mine was *extremely* trying. I haven't had to work through trauma before and I have renewed respect for everyone who has. The realization of this knowledge causes our bodies to build ways to "protect" us and it causes a LOT of triggering and anxiety. At least, it did for me. I've been working through it on my own (with the support of friends while on the search for various kinds of therapy) and at least I can function again in the world to be back online!
Self care can be reeally tough. Frustrating (when you have work to get done), but if it definitely helps to take time to stop and *listen* to what the universe is trying to tell you. Does that sound too out-there? It's real. I assure you. Life doesn't always go how we plan and our plans can cause So Much Pain. It sucks, but usually life is more painful *because* we didn't really listen- and the universe will keep driving the point home. I know I didn't listen. For years. Because I couldn't imagine my life story changing. I thought more about what other people might think, who I might loose in the process, than the hell I was putting myself through out of fear and stubbornness. Now I have to listen again tonight, because my period came today and all day I have found it hard to just *chill*. SO now I have a headache and I'm more disgruntled and frustrated than when the day started and I actually was caring for myself. Because if I spend the whole day caring for myself I feel like I've lost productive time. I have a business to built. I have rent to pay. If I just say, "This one day is ok, might even give you the energy you need when you get back to work tomorrow," it would probably be *better* all around. In our society, that's damn hard to do. Especially when you don't have a good partner to say, "You'll be ok. I got you." That's probably one of the hardest things in my life these days. But like everything, it can't be forced. Fruit will grow when it's warm, when it's the season. Trying to force a season to happen, or for the fruit to ripen during winter... it's more frustration and energy spent for no gain. The trick is to have faith that the warm season will come again. And that's the real trick. That's something capitalist society doesn't want- why else would you need retail therapy if everything was going to come with some patience? But for those of us who have (or are!) financially poor, that patience feels like a luxury, and often has to be compromised. The best way I've dealt with that, and anxiety that comes, is to visualize a moving stream or river. and I'm floating in it. Sometimes there are rapids, and when I flail and try to grab onto weeds or rocks, it drains my energy and never helps. I have to relax the best I can, and float on the current. That takes practice. I'm working on it. But when I do have those moments I let myself go, that's when the synchronicity comes. Signs happen that are more than coincidence. (Look into Jung for more on this, there's really not enough study of him and *way* too much study of Freud if you ask me.) This helps me know I'm on track- or, rather, in the flow. Here's to you floating and finding your way. Let's do it together.